You think you're all inspirational for women?
You think you can change our body\fashion sense\ financial situation with a quiz?
You think you can put a perfectly tanned model in a cute floral dress next to some kooky idea or recipe and it will equal success.
WELL YOU'RE WRONG!
....but it doesn't mean I didn't try it anyway.
"Want to make some easy money? Grab some girlfriends and head to your local swap meet! A great way to clean out your closet and make some cash so you can buy some ---> insert expensive shoe brand here. And who knows? If you all giggle and wear your shortest shorts -you'll probably meet some hot boys with hot bods while you're there! Tee hee!"
Ok so the article probably wasn't that see through or that poorly written, but you get the point. Women's magazines make shit sound fun that just isn't. Anyway, when I realised I had a whole heap of crap lying around from moving house and taking anything from my parents place that wasn't nailed down, it was time to delve into the world of the Sunday morning swap meet.
You can't really describe a swap meet to someone who hasn't been there before. It's something you just have to experience. But the word must be spread to the ignorant so they don't find themselves unprepared. So what I've done is create a bit of a dictionary so you're not going in blind. A bit of a ''Dummie's Guide To...'' type of thing;
Swappie (n) [swop-pee]
a hardcore extremist in the swap meet world. These creatures can be recognised by the absence of dark rings beneath their eyes as they did not have to get up at 3.30am to get a good spot, instead they parked their packed car in the line last night and caught a taxi back to their prime position with a smug look on their face.
The mating call of this creature sounds like 'daaarl, the food van is open now, want some 'mato sauce on ya double bacon and cheese roll? And you want a double mocha ice chill or just a choc iced coffee chill?'
They have no sense of community amongst their own kind and can become fiercely competitive, especially when marking territory. Aggression is not uncommon when arguing about who's trestle table has rightful spot of bay H7.
Bargain (adj) [baaaaaaaar-gun]
Anything broken, soiled, useless, expired or mangled that has been purchased for at least 1\80th of its price when new. This includes: digital cameras with no battery or charger, Kitchen appliances from the '60s that 'just need a new cord', old necklaces with no clasp but 'would be good for the beads', unframed artwork, someone else's shoes, CD's that may or may not be blank, lids to pots, a single earring, VHS videos and auto parts of European cars that were discontinued in 1943.
Rotary volunteer (n) [wanker]
When you think of Rotary, you think of sweet old people who just want to help. Or you think of those Lion's Mints that are always on the counters of banks and Medicare and you have to beg your Mum for an extra 20c so you can upgrade to the 50c redskins. What I'm saying is Rotary people are meant to be nice. But in the world of swap meets they remind you of your evil Year 5 teacher who was a nazi when it came to tucking in your shirt. They have a fierce respect for lines, and any attempt to skip\shorten\avoid a line in any form will be met with an extremely furrowed brow and a "back of the line, no pushing in!". (Note: I didn't skip any lines, this was purely an observation of other, less swap meet practised people. Tsk, tsk.)
Rotarians of the male kind should resemble Santa, complete with jolly personality and female Rotarians should embody Mrs Doubtfire. When they yell at you for having your broken whipper snipper handle hanging 0.8cm over your marked bay, it's like finding out the Easter Bunny isn't real.
How much? (phrase) [it's unspoken, often just a look in your direction with eyebrows raised]
Rotarians of the male kind should resemble Santa, complete with jolly personality and female Rotarians should embody Mrs Doubtfire. When they yell at you for having your broken whipper snipper handle hanging 0.8cm over your marked bay, it's like finding out the Easter Bunny isn't real.
How much? (phrase) [it's unspoken, often just a look in your direction with eyebrows raised]
A rather difficult procedure in which there is no correct response. Be assured that no matter what you say, whether fair or not, will be met with resistance. Try not to let the phrase "but it's the principle!" get a hold of you. Remember this junk is all CRAP, you do not want it, sell it in return for any amount of money. You WANT money.
For example...
Swappie:How much for this 1995 Alanis Morrisette CD?
Me: Umm, 50c?
Swappie: Oooooh, guy next door is selling a 1996 version for 35c.
Me (aching to get out of there): Ok well I'll give you ten of those CDs for two dollars.
Swappie: how bout 75c?
Me: Screw you.
...
...
Me: Deal.
For example...
Swappie:How much for this 1995 Alanis Morrisette CD?
Me: Umm, 50c?
Swappie: Oooooh, guy next door is selling a 1996 version for 35c.
Me (aching to get out of there): Ok well I'll give you ten of those CDs for two dollars.
Swappie: how bout 75c?
Me: Screw you.
...
...
Me: Deal.
