Some will play for a couple of years through primary school and others continue on. Either way, it generally all ends up the same way. You haven't played for years and then someone from your workplace\uni\group of friends thinks its a brilliant idea to get a team together for the local 'social' competition at the rec centre down the road. Sounds fun doesn't it? We'll all have a laugh playing and then go to the pub after the game and feel less guilty because we did some exercise.
But it's not always like that is it?
Your team is there for fun and a bit of physical exertion, but why is that the other teams aren't?
I recently joined a netball team and it turns out we're probably the shittest team around. Half the team is apparently in that small minority of girls who've never played before and the other are lacking some serious hand-eye coordination and other motor skills that should have probably been mastered by age 3. Like staying upright.
Either way we give it a good shot and obviously it's not our fault we haven't won a game. It's clearly the competition.
In my long netballing history I've been able to group every player into one of the following categories:
The girl who takes it too seriously:
Apparently she didn't get the newsletter about it being a SOCIAL competition, she's the one with game plans and who gets far too upset when someone steps or misses a goal. Never ever tell her 'it's just a game' because she will slap you, or she'll try to scratch your eyes out but it won't hurt because she's one of few that actually remember to cut their nails before the game. She's pretty good herself, but only in comparison to her sucky teammates. She didn't quite have the talent to progress anywhere decent in the sport so she remains in this small time competition to be a massive pleated-skirt-wearing fish in a small tracksuit-pant filled pond.
The surprisingly fast and nimble fat chick:
She's a doozy this one. When you put on your bib and look over and realise your on the fat chick you think 'sweet I can run cirlces round this bitch' and then when that whistles goes and BAM! she's half way down the court with the ball and your still trying to figure out which line you're meant to be standing on. She's also got a great centre of gravity, so in any contest contact is always going to be called against you.
The last-minute replacement girl:
She can always be identified by her teammates calling her by her position instead of her name. No one really knows her and she's normally a timid little thing that just runs up and down silently wishing no one will throw the ball to her. They never do.
The useless one:
She can't catch, she always throws it to the other team, she steps, she's always offside, she contacts, she obstructs, she is just horrible at the game. As soon as this girl gets the ball the whole team basically gives up and assumes she will stuff up. Eventually she will do something useful and the whole team will congratulate her and talk to her as if she was a child who just learnt how to use the toilet. "Awww good catch Debbieeeeeee!! Good for you!!"
The one wearing gloves:
She's just had her nails done and refuses to cut them in order to play. She looks ridiculous but at one stage in the game you'll notice that she never drops the ball and for a second - you will consider buying some yourself.
The fucking annoying tall one:
She's always a shooter and there's just nothing you can do to stop her getting the ball. She just stands under the ring and her team lob it straight to her and she scores. She frustrates the hell out of the other team but the shorter girls take solace in the fact she'd look weird with a really short boyfriend.
The nice one who always claps:
Doesn't matter if her team is losing by 30 goals she will always clap after someone scores. The crowds over it, the teams are over it, the umpire's over it and everyone's just waiting for the time to run out so it can be over and done with, but she still claps anyway. This is the girl who will always initiate the "Three cheers for the other team" and if she's extra nice she'll do the "Three cheers for the umpire."
And then there's the umpires, they are a real special breed. God only knows why anyone would willingly accept this job, it's not like the pay is any good. They come in their own categories:
The one who insists on teaching while umpiring:
Not content with simply calling 'contact' they will walk on court take the ball and re-enact the play and show those involved exactly what they did and how they should do it in future. No one cares.
The older woman who can't let go:
She was a star in her day, but now her knees aren't so good and she can't bare to leave the world of bloomers and ankle straps behind. She always wears a uniform and has one of those whistles that wraps around your fingers and dam her- she picks up EVERYTHING. Nothing gets past her and she blows that whistle like her life depended on it. Not content with simply calling out the foul, she insists on accompanying it with the hand signals and exact description. She's firm. Firm but fair.
The male umpire:
I hate these dudes. They are either sad souls who always wanted to play netball but couldn't when they were younger because it was a girls sport, so they took up umpiring to get into the scene and take their bitter revenge out on those playing. He likes to pick on anyone who is good or argues with his calls. Or... they are lonely, lonely men who are so entirely desperate they can't get a girl so resort to umpiring in some strange attempt to control women, again some sort of sick revenge thing that Freud would probably have a field day on.
The bitchy umpire:
This is often the girl who takes the game too seriously as well. She umpires in her spare time between games because she is often on more than one team. She's probably doing it so she can take notes on your teams tactics before she plays you in the next round. She runs backwards like AFL umpires do even though it's completely unnecessary because the court is only 30m long. She probably already hates you from a previous game when you played her and laughed at her. She exacts revenge by making you do toss ups so you look like an idiot. Don't piss her off.
Netball is an entirely different world to the everyday one we live in. There are hardcore players and parents taking their childs participation far too seriously. It can get really ugly very quickly. Be warned that the minute you step on that court you will take the form of one of the above. Unless you're on my team, we're all awesome.
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