You can stop searching now, because I have found it, your one stop shop for all things lavender. I know many of you have had sleepless nights wondering where to find the perfect mix of lavender and patchouli in a pillow spray, but fear not, because someone has done it for you. 'Simply Lavender' was just one of the many, many lame stalls on offer at the Brownes Every Woman Expo that visited Perth this weekend. Not to take anything away from Janette at the Simply Lavender stand, she was proud as punch, standing behind her trestle table in a sea of purple shit. Women were crowded around her wares tossing up between a Lavender Neck Wrap or a Lavender Fizzing Bath Bon Bon that, let's face it, would just end up shoved down the back of their bathroom cupboard giving the whole place that old lady smell.
Let me begin by saying I was there under strict protest, my dear old Ma dragged me there to support her friend who had a respectable stall selling wine. This was one of few.
Ever gone out to see a band and it's packed so you have a hard time finding a good spot to watch the show from? You're shuffling through the crowd and all of a sudden there is this magical spot just waiting for you to slot in nicely, it's got the best view and you can't believe no one else took it. But once you're standing there it all becomes clear... That smell creeps up into your nostrils and you do that "who farted?" look to your mates and they all shake their heads, then you realise everyone around you is laughing and you've just stood in a puddle of vomit and THAT'S WHY NO ONE WAS STANDING THERE!
What I'm getting at, is that feeling when you have to slink off because everyone is looking at you and they know you're embarrassed and you can't bloody well stay there now can you? Well I got that feeling yesterday, because Mum and I were watching some god awful fashion parade provided by the F-list celebrities at Channel 7 when I realised no one was around us, we both turned around and discovered we were positioned in front of a nice little stall called 'B.O.B Bags' sounds harmless doesn't it? Of course it would be harmless, if I wasn't standing with my mother, and realising at the same time that this store was dedicated to selling black, stylish, 100% cotton lining with a satin finish, fully washable, complete with secure toggle, discreet, BAG FOR YOUR DILDO! Yes, this store sold nothing but housing for your solo sex toy (up to 26cm long and 15cm wide! - FIFTEEN CENTIMETRES WIDE?!?!?!).
Apparently, there was a gap in the market for women who have coffee with their conservative mother-in-laws and are at risk of their children playing 'unicorns' with their Rabbit in front of Grandma. Because, dear god, we wouldn't want her to know that they were having sex! HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU GOT YOUR GRAND KIDDIES NANNA?
So the embarrassment was short lived, but the hilarity of watching others wander up to the store and make a quick u-turn away as soon as they realised what it was, was priceless.
It turns out all women care about is wrinkles, half price shutters and our destiny according to our chakras determined by the self proclaimed goddess of wolves - Cindy. Old mate Cindy was not alone, there was an entire psychic fair going on at stall 485b. All I had to do was take a raffle ticket and wait for my number to be called. Don't bother waiting for each finely tuned clairvoyant to tap into your aura and make a deep connection with your past so they can get a clear reading. Just wait until Mystic Mandy gets back from her ciggie break, shouts 'NEXT' and you're on your way to enlightenment. Unfortunately I didn't have time to wait around with everyone else to be told I will travel somewhere, at some stage, sometime in the future, but it's on my to-do list, I will complete my 'symbolique journey'.
Whilst searching for the place to redeem our free yoghurt coupon, we stumbled across the teeny, tiny 'SheMoves' stall dedicated to teaching women how to pole-dance for fitness. A small tinny radio pumped out a Flo-Rida song, while two poor girls humped an aluminium erection. 20 or so women gathered around to watch and I'm pretty sure there was a communal feeling of utter perversion, the poor demonstrators nervous giggle just made me cringe and we moved on.
Lucky we did, because now I can finally stop whinging. All my life I have wondered why the hell I can't hire a goddam wishing well at an affordable price. It's always so expensive! But now, thanks to...you guessed it....'Affordable Wishing Well Hire' I can now invite my friends around to my house, encourage them to wish about crap, and collect their money from the bottom of my own hired well when they piss off. Brilliant!
Other experiences of my day included...
- Watching live sperm swim around under a microscope and wondering who recently donated it at the 'Concept Fertility' stall. (Fertility is just a concept now?)
- Enjoying a good pun.... Don't want to leave your bag on the floor of a cafe or bar? Too good to hold it? That's OK, because thanks to the 'Pursenal Assistant' (Get it? PURSEenal? Gold!) you can buy a hook to hang it on. Yes a hook! But not just any hook, this one has heaps of crap superglued to it, like butterflies and diamantes and kittens. Great huh?
- Watching from a safe distance as a woman demonstrated her breast milk machine at 'Milk in a Minute'. I know breastfeeding is natural, but attaching your boob to a device that resembles a medievil torture contraption is not.
- Wondering who came up with 'Shower Gel in a Sponge'... were they too lazy to just open the bottle and squeeze?
- Reminiscing about butterfly clips from year seven and distinctly remembering they went out of fashion...for good. Apparently 'vintage' includes items from only 10 years ago and someone is making a living off selling nothing but a hair accessory from the 90's. If only I thought of it...
- Laughing (cruel, I know) at the ridiculously small changing room provided at 'A Cup Above', a lingerie stall dedicated to the cuddlier ladies of Perth and their enormous melons.
Women enjoy anything pink - One stall was actually called 'Pink Stuff', one called 'The Pink Book Club' and another called 'Positively Pink'. They all involved everyday stuff someone dyed pink to make it more attractive to the ladies. Great example of marketing research in practice right there.
Women are incontinent - A whole stall dedicated to 'Pelvic Floor Solutions'. I would have just called it 'Your local GP' no?
Women get excited about cleaning - One more fucking demonstration by some old guy who talks too much on how to make the most of your steam powered, dust seeking, dirt annihilating, grime pulverising, soap scum obliterating fucking mop and I'll stick it where other cleaners just can't get to!
Women shouldn't age....at all - 'Longevity Wellness Centre' - what the hell does that even mean? As well as the teeth whitenings, wrinkle zapping creams, orthotics and absolutley endless stalls filled with opportunites to 'Wake up your Makeup!' there is no excuse for any lady to look her age.
But when they age too much.... 'Mareena Purslowe and Associates' are there to help you. A funeral directors actually had the facilities to organise your funeral at this expo, is that not creepy? A lovely visit to the Convention Centre with your girlfriends to get free massages and cupcakes and there's pictures of coffins and price plans of floral arrangments next door.
Women like to accessorise...everything. - Not only can your Clitoriffic 4000 now have a B.O.B. bag but you can accessorise your kettle with a special cover so it doesn't get hot (?), your Nintendo DS with some stupid dangly charm thing, your car with floral mudflaps and your jewellery with extra jewels. ACESSORIES ON ACCESSORIES?! COME ON!
Women like being a shade of orange - on every corner was an opportunity for a fake tan, 'Fake Bake' for those who don't want authentic skin cancer, 'Technotan' if you would like to dance while you bronze, ' NuSkin' because the skin you already have is shithouse.
Women like potatoes - maybe if they were making wedges or something, but no, just information and photos of potatoes at the 'Western Potatoes' stand. I wanted wedges.
Women just want to get married. - No! I will NOT enter your competition to win a fucking engagement ring, just GIMME THE $5000!
So congratulations Brownes, your expo was crap, and I didn't even get my free yoghurt.
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