I come into contact with these beings at least twice a week, sometimes they brighten my day, other times they force me to take a mental note of possible weapons that are on hand to immediately defend myself against them.
Apparently most of them are scared of the dark and they frequent the pub mostly in the day and early afternoon. Often this is when I am the only staff member there not holed up safely in the office, so it's a really personal experience.
I love a good list so here we go...
Let's start with my favourite-
SAMMY- Sam's not crazy, he's just such a character, according to history books he has been drinking at the pub for over forty years. He's a toothless old Italian dude who I'm pretty sure has had a stroke and the thickest accent ever. Sammy waddles into the pub in the afternoon and needs to sit down and rest halfway between the entrance and the bar, I'm not sure if he's tired or he just likes to have a stickybeak at what's going inside that day. Every staff member knows Sammy orders two stubbies of Hahn Light at a time, served with a cold middy glass. Sammy is the only Rosemount patron in history that gets table service. I've never actually seen him stand at the bar once. He basically sits in the chair all day and cries "Good on ya!" and "Bravo!" each time a staff member walks past with a "Hi Sam!". He never remembers anyone's name and describes each person by their hair colour and their build. Some of our plumper staff members have been slightly offended by Sam at some time or another. Conversation is limited with Sam as very few can understand a single word he's saying due to the stroke and the accent. One employee Timmy was a Sammy Whisperer and was strangely able to have in depth discussions with him somehow, Sammy would yabber on about something for ten minutes and Timmy would pipe up 'Oh yes I totally agree, the roadworks on Guildford Rd are terribly inconvenient.' What? Sammy doesn't even drive, sometimes I think Timmy was making it up.
JD - JD is probably one of the craziest people I've ever met. She actually kind of scares me. According to Rosemount legend she is the mother of that guy that murdered the Chinese student out near Scarborough last year. Anyway, not only does JD have a questionable past she's just plain nuts. Her outfits are a pretty good indicator. Often she likes to dress like a cross between Madonna circa 1980's, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, and a witch. She likes a good crucifix around her neck, often they look like she broke into a church, stole the massive wooden one and hung it around her neck with some cable ties. I can't be certain but I'm pretty sure she was wearing one that had the plaster still attached from where she pulled it off a wall. JD likes to have very loud phone conversations with someone I assume is her daughter that start off with "How are you my darling girl?" and quickly disintergrate into "YOU DID NOT COME FROM MY WOMB!" She also has a creepy attraction to one of our regular DJ's Charlie Bucket. He's always playing on a Sunday and JD likes to come down and dance away in front of his set up for hours only stopping to have a drink which she orders very specifically "a pint of water with ice and lemon and a straw thankyou." I can't remember the last time she actually bought a real drink, one bartender Bianca flat out refuses to serve her until she drinks something she has to pay for. Often she likes to sit next to Sam and yell at him about nothing in particular, sometimes he buys her a drink, I think it's just so she'll shutup.
PEDRO - Pedro is another orally challenged guy. Apparently I am one of a select few who can understand him, again due to a crazy accent and some missing teeth. No one is entirely sure what Pedro's deal is. He is this black Mexican dude who has the buffest arms I've seen on an old guy and this crazy mustache which makes him look like a seal. He arrives drunk to the pub and then proceeds to get blind drunk by throwing back white Sambuca shots as long as the staff will still serve him. He constantly encourages the staff to drink and I think he just wants a friend. He can often be seen being taken advantage of by young girls who just want a free drink. I can't count how many times he's been thrown out but for some reason we keep letting him back. His catch phrase is "Thankyou!" But he does it in a really sarcastic way followed by "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? YEAH? WHAT?" I have no idea who he is thanking or what 'what' he is asking. He has a weird cloudy eye too which I can't help but stare at, he doesn't seem to notice. He's a builder of some sort and often disappears for weeks and comes back flush with cash and tipped me $200 and a bag of weed one time. I like Pedro.
PROSTITUE NANNA - As you can tell from her name PN is definitely a looper. She is the dearest old biddy you'll ever meet with a killer perm and the sweetest little twin sets you'll ever see. Something like this...
However, as she totters up to the bar you can sense something is not right, then she opens her mouth, AND NEVER CLOSES IT, this woman does not shut up. EVER. I actually walk away from her midsentence and return and she's still talking. God only knows about what, but it's complete dribble. She's obviously just a lonely, lonely old woman and will talk to anyone who has to listen.
Ok, Ok I hear you... but WHAT ABOUT THE PROSTITUTE BIT??? Well! Upon our first meeting I was of course the ever polite hospitality worker and engaged this woman in some idle chit chat, and then in the same breath she told me about her podiatrist, her old house in Mount Hawthorn, her jewellery... oh.... and that she likes to give gobby for some extra cash now and then. WHAAAAAT???? I have no idea how it came up but I clearly remember her cheekily grinning as she said something along the lines of 'not very often, it's not a big deal.' Not a big deal?! Nannas are meant to know recipes for awesome shortbread biscuits and sneak you chocolate before dinner when you visit, not the best corner in Northbridge to turn tricks on a Friday night. Try as I might, my artful conversation could not get her to talk about it again, probably because she never shutup enough about the Post Office for her to hear me say a word back.
For the record, Prostitute Nanna drinks Swan Draught, and she knocks it back too, she's four foot nothing and can hold her piss, impressive.
ROSCO - Rosco used to be a severe heroin addict, now he prefers the sweet taste of methadone. He likes to get doped up to the eyeballs at the chemist next door and then float into the pub for a steak. He appears to be allergic to eye contact and is constantly glazed over while he drinks Jameson. One time he told our yard guy Turin that he had magical powers. He was convinced that at any moment he can turn into a white lion. Turin asked him to demonstrate and Rosco said "What do you mean? I'm a white lion right now." Rosco also does the funniest walk I've ever seen, you know when your running and your about to stack it and you do those 4 or 5 retarded steps with your hands out because you know your about to faceplant, imagine walking like that ALL THE TIME.
GLASS OF CHARDONNAY GUY - fairly self explanatory this one, but this guy creeps the hell outta me, he comes in almost every weekday and orders one glass of chardonnay which he downs in one gulp and then returns to wherever he came from. He always has a bag of shopping with him from Coles next door and stops in at the pub on the way back. I like to imagine he lives with his crazy wife\mother at home that beats him up so he has to escape for a drink but has to be quick because she's timing him. He kind of looks like this...
But with glasses and less crucifix and less visible body hair. He also doesn't dress that well.....these are just the regular ones whose names I am aware of or have named accordingly, there's plenty more who have only appeared once or twice...
- One rainy day a guy curled up on one of our couches watching the MTV music videos with his hands down his pants. Upon completing his.....activities....he kicked a pint glass of water into the wall and calmly walked out of the pub never to be seen again.
- One crazy old lady who resembles an Aboriginal garden gnome came in and wouldn't leave me alone until I agreed to look at her passport so she could prove to me that she had been to Europe. I can now confirm she has been to France and Germany.
While she's never entered the premises Aussie Bike Lady can be heard from inside from miles away. She rides a bike with an Australian flag attached and yells patriotic\racist\indecipherable things at anyone and no one. I think her and Mad Dog would make a lovely, fit couple.- Rocko, I hate this guy. He's a complete creep, he's about 40 and wears a massive, fake gold chain and bleaches his hair blonde and tucks his shirt in to look younger, he has a fat girlfriend who is also insane, he told her that one of the other bartenders Jess and I were in love with him and that he was sleeping with both of us. She then proceeded to come into work when Jess and I were working and drill us for answers about each other, she cried once when telling me how much she loved him and that he really is a good guy even thought he stole $10,000 from her Dad and calls her from his bed when he's in it with a prostitute. I bet he has a thing for Nannas......
that crazy aussie bike lady yelled at me and some other dude one fine day walking down beaufort street, reminded me of mad dog and i smiled back at her haha
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