New jobs are lame.

As I mentioned I have a severe love\hate relationship with my job. In an effort to get over myself and to save the poor boyfriend from having to listen to me whine all the time, I decided to shutup and get a new one. My aim was to either find a new job or at least put my current one in perspective and hate it less sometimes. Let's just say if The Rosemount was a man that had knees and was able to get down on one of them and propose, I would immediately elope to Vegas and marry it with Elvis as my witness.

In an effort to conceal the identity of the venue that was my new job to all my many readers (Hi mum!) I will simply refer to the place as 'DrugDen' or DD. This place is quite popular and really is a good venue, I just like to rant so any material will do.

So I rock up all set to embrace my new opportunity, (in reality I think I was still hungover from the previous night so probably not a good start), I am met by the manager who appears to be very busy\stressed\upset\or just plain cold and am shown to the bar I will be working in that night. I'm told its the VIP bar and I'll be working with a guy named Oli. So I think sweet! VIP should be fun, its got the best view of the whole place and the act for the night and Oli is a cool name, how can he not be awesome?



This is how he can not be awesome.....

Let's start from the bottom....

He's working in a bar, so you'd think sneakers? Right? Wrong. He's got some shinyarse snakeskin WHITE shoes with the pointiest toe I've ever seen and they are stupidly clean to bring into the depths of a club bar.

So then the pants...black pants? Old jeans? No, wrong. SKINTIGHT greyish designer fucking denim jeans that are almost too tight to get the barblade into his back pocket...

On top you'd be thinking Polo? DD Tshirt? At a stretch a black singlet? Good guesses but YOUR WRONG AGAIN!! This guy has a V-neck skintight Tshirt on, and not just your average V-neck... THE GUY HAS FUCKIN CLEAVAGE!!! CLEAVAGE!!!!! YOU HEAR ME!?!? This is seriously the deepest V I've ever seen, he might as well just cut the shirt in half. I'll give it to him he's got a very sculpted body and his pecs were just scary they were so big which contributed to the cleavage. And I'm pretty sure he shaves his chest..... and I wouldn't be surprised because then there was his head.....

So my immediate reaction was 'are you wearing makeup'? And then I met the glassy, a nice young chappie, who said to me 'hey is that guy wearing makeup?' So I'm pretty sure it's safe to say he was wearing makeup. Foundation of course, and a hint of guyliner. So then there's these eyebrows, they are waxed to within an inch of their life sitting up there on his lil forehead, screaming to be looked at. His hair probably had about 6 different products in it fighting to look the shiniest and resulting in a blinding flash that rendered me blind everytime I looked at it when it caught the light.

Overall he kinda looked like a bad mixture of something you would find on Fat Pizza, FashionTV, my nightmares and an illustration of what that Chk Chk Boom! girl was talking about....

...and this was before he even opened his mouth.

I really was wiling to give him a chance, I wasn't that evil and intolerant and small minded to write him off 100% just because of his looks. So we get chatting, and when i say WE get chatting, I mean HE got chatting, and HE DIDN'T STOP. I pretty much know his whole life story not that i wanted to nor did I ask. He's 27, he's a designer with his own business and employs 5 people and he just bought a house and has hired a stylist to do it up and blah blah blah. I'm pretty sure he was trying to say "I'm just plain fucking awesome, behold and bask in the sun that shines out of my arse."

At this stage, I hear you, I know the two burning questions that you are asking. Because they were screaming through my head the same time... so let me answer them, because they became bleedingly obvious eventually. I choose to do this in a 'Dear Dolly Doctor' kind of way, because even at this early stage of the night, I felt I needed the guidance of someone as wise and knowledgable as the Dolly Doctor to get me through....

QUESTION ONE

"Dear Beth,
I can't help but think, through your witty observations, that perhaps, this "Oli" fella might just love the cock? It appears he is a raging homosexual who loves nothing more than to get a purple headed womb warrior up his anus each night - is that a fair comment?

Yours sincerely,

Confused Reader(s) of LAME."






"Dear CR(s)OL

I too had this thought smashing into my brain screaming to be voiced, but I thought it was too obvious to even ask, OF COURSE this guy wants some man meat to keep him company at night. But then without prompt Oli answered this himself......... let me set the scene.....

Beth - Hey can you pass me the champagne?
Oli - Yeah the oldest chick I've fucked must of been 42.
Beth - What? I just want the champagne man.
Oli - I'ts true, older chicks are better in bed.
Beth - Fine I'll get it myself.
Oli - 17 year old chicks are hot but they don't know anything.
Beth - ....... (pouring champagne)
Oli - I've probably slept with a chick of every age from 17 to 30, haha probably 4 times each!
Beth -......(gagging into champagne bucket)


So CR(s)OL, does that answer you question? of course he loves to smoke the man pole, he just doesn't know it\ want to admit it."

QUESTION TWO

"Dear Beth,
this guy appears to talk himself up a bit in his business ventures, I can't help but wonder, if he is so successful -why does he feel the need to work in a nightclub?



Kind Regards

Doubly Confused Reader(s) of LAME."







"Dear DCR(s)OL,

You are so young and naive, its almost cute. I shortly wondered about this too. Why does a man with his own business and clearly enough money to pay all those prostitutes because he clearly can't attract normal women with his personality need to explore the deep dark recesses of a sweaty dingy stinky club on a Saturday night. Shouldn't he be out snorting coke out off the arse cheek of an 18 year old sexually confused boy? You know why I wondered this only shortly? I'll tell you why, because it took a very short time to realise that this creature, this mistake of God....... was full of shit.
So full of shit in fact that it spewed out of him onto every person who entered a 5 metre radius. He talked shit to the guys in the VIP area, the massive artists that have toured internationally a thousand times and earned millions of dollars but found themselves at a shitty nightclub in Perth with some fuckhead of a bartender in their ear about he's a DJ too and hung out with Armin van Buuren and collaborated with him on his last album.
He talked shit to the girls who were so fuckin high on crack they looked straight through him to the mirror and checked themselves out while he gushed about the parties he holds at his house and how they should come.
He talked shit to the glassie who brought us ice about how he goes to the gym twice a day.
He just constantly talked shit and so when I asked the same question as you I was a bit surprised at his answer.....

Beth - so Oli, why the fuck are you here?
Oli - for the social side of it.


ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING ME?!?!?!?! You're here so you can make friends? You think people WANT to talk to you? You MUST be desperate! Or as I like to think, full of shit. And here was my proof that he was full of shit.

At the start of the night we were given a $100 bar card each to either drink ourselves or buy drinks for who ever we wanted. So at about 3 am the main act is on but the bars are quiet so the previously mentioned manager comes in and says, does anyone want to finish now? You would THINK that a guy with a 100 bucks of free piss in his pocket, desperate to socialise and no real need for the money from wages would jump at the chance, would you not?? HE DECLINED!!!! So again. FULL OF SHIT!

I hope that answers your questions DCR(s)OL

Yours sincerely

Beth."

So readers, I can now sense your third question. Did I jump at the chance to finish at 3am and get the fuck out of there and away from Oli to the safety of bed. Of course I did, but Manager of DD changed her mind. As it was my first night and Oli's first night as well we both had to stay and help each other out and learn to close the bar up. LAME.

So I soldiered on through the whole night with Oli, thank God for our glassy who sensed my agony and kept me company as long as I promised to make him cocksucking cowboy shots which he strangely enjoyed a little too much.

Of course it wasn't just Oli that made me resent the place, it was the whole goddam scene!!! While it's a pretty impressive club and I had a good view and was in VIP so it wasnt too loud. It was the PEOPLE!!
One strange thing was that there was all these really pretty girls who appeared to be wearing tops but no pants, but on second look I deducted that, THEY WERE WEARING SKIRTS!!! You know why I didnt realise this at first? Because these said skirts were actually hitched up around their hips while some guy with a stylish mullet had them in compromising positions up against the walls of the club. I AM NOT KIDDING HERE! I SAW IT FOUR TIMES!! Four different girls, all destroying their dignity in front of 700+ people.

Plus I don't know why they even need bartenders. NO ONE DRINKS!!! They should just put a water fountain at every corner because thats all I poured. There were just high people everywhere. No one had a personality because they were too busy chewing their faces off and stuffing Vicks up their noses.

Drugs can do strange things to people, they can also do exactly what drugs normally do, they make otherwise normal people turn into uninhibited, gurning monsters. I watched one guy pop at least three pills that I saw. He then proceeded to attempt to turn his head inside out by process of trying to swallow his own nose by lassooing it with his tongue and dragging it into his mouth. I served him water, water, water, Vodka Redbull, water, water, RedBull, water, water, water. He must have consumed 3 packets of Extra and I can't be sure but I think I saw him with a loveheart lollipop. I hope someone tags the shit out of him in a Facebook album and he can see exactly how much of a loser he looked like that night.

When your trapped in a tiny bar with Fabio's retarded second cousin and your surrounded by too many people on amphetamines and music only people on amphetamines can enjoy, you get over it pretty quickly. I was longing for my cosy little Rosemount, drunk people with personalities(good or otherwise) and a finishing time of around 1am insteand of 5am.

So that was my one and only shift at DD and it did exactly as intended. Rosemount has been rammed down my throat into perspective and I'm a happy kid again.

*Names have been changed to protect identity. Except Oli, that's his real name and if you see a man with impressive cleavage and eyebrows that rival Ronald McDonald please say hi from me and that I lied, YOUR SHOES ARE UGLY!!